Seven Years...

I love you...Good bye. :(

..that's how long it took me to finally say goodbye. I'm letting her go and move on with her new life while I try to fix what's still mend-able in mine.


Being in love with someone for almost a decade while getting nothing in return is difficult. It's I who have to adjust and understand and give in and forgive and love. It's tiring but my stubborn heart just wont listen. So despite the seeming impossibility of us being together, I still day dream and plan my future out with her in mind. And I do that almost every single day.


It was 2004 when I fell in love with a jolly, smart, fine-looking, fun-to-be with girl in my class. From then on everything about me changed, the way how I looked at other  people and the way they viewed me seemed comely odd. But that didn't matter to me that time because all of me was occupied by her.  Just the mere thought of her can set me off washing the dishes without being told while singing to my heart's content. Man, that was heaven! I get excited for school so I can be around her although it pissed her off. I am one of the astute guys in class, in fact I hold 2 powerful organizations in school but to her I was a nobody. Yeah! it pierced through my ego maybe because I think of myself highly..My school performance was waning as I put my studies on the sideline and dwell more on my rousing desire to be noticed. There are times that I have to cry at night stabbing my chest with my fist for being ridiculously in love in spite of the downright, blatant refusal  But i can't help it.


So it goes on and on and on until just now during our latest conversation that I have decided to give her up. We were both in a relationship within that seven-year period but unlike her, I have been in constant struggle because my thoughts go back to her and to what we could have become together. I always dwell on my unfounded imaginations hence this disappointment but I never ever stopped hoping and yes, praying on bent knees until last night when I called her up.


We had a rather intermittent communication before, relative to her hostility towards me. She's  not treating me badly all the time. Sometimes we talk just about everything with her telling me how happy and contented she is with what she has and who she's with while I listen blankly with my own thoughts drifting back to my prior imaginations. When she doesn't want me to reach her she changes her mobile number so I have to start from scratch again and again just to have that ephemeral bliss  of the moment whenever we talk. I know I'm being an A-hole but then again I can't help it.


I was drinking with my cousin when we talked the other night. I was happy and I'm putting it very lightly.  We talked more about her ,of course. As if I mattered that much to her to strike her interest about my whereabouts. But I can handle that 'slong as we talk. Never did I thought that that could be the end of this insanity. I don't know if I should thank God for that (I call it) wake-up call or be hurting all the more which is demonstrated by these eye-bags and the tears which blended with this afternoon's rain.


I'm getting my second heart-break courtesy of the very same person who has that hold on me to cause me to resort to writing and drinking and resenting. She told me she's pregnant. And it all just sunk-in this afternoon. All my imaginings will never be actualized, she's become so isolated from me. When she cried telling me how bad her situation is, how she doesn't want the child as it would ruin her family's plans for her and their hope of getting a better life, I was feeling the pain ten-folds. Yep. Despite my obvious personal hesitations, I asked her if she wanna get married ,with me, should the banger turn his back from her. She said no but she said she still doesn't want the baby because the guy's family is not liking her. She wants abortion and my selfish self urged me to not say anything . How lame for me to act like that but I never compromised my faith . I told her abortion is never an answer, that sooner or later her family will learn to accept her with all her seeming flaws and that she can live her normal life again.I don't know if she was listening or she noticed that those words are actually killing me. Every sentence was a blow to my own hopes, desires and life. But I was doing her (and myself) a final favor. I'm trying to save her life. I'm trying to save a part of me.


So right now I am back to my lowly life with shattered hopes. Yes I told her goodbye.and I said it with finality.


But when you love the person too much you can't really tell. Who knows I might as well wait for the next 7 years or so to finally move on.